Archive for the ‘The things they say’ Category


November 27, 2012 Leave a comment


Not part of a first collection found here


Don’t ring us

November 3, 2011 Leave a comment

Now this is another male/female thing so all you feminists who don’t like being told what to do and when to do it, look away now.

It’s just a note to doctors about us men really.  I’m not talking about countries where you have to re- mortgage your granny so that you can have that breast implant (“just the one side please, old people are worth so much less these days”), where your doc has to be nice to you because you’re the paying customer.  I’m talking about the good old, much maligned, National Health Service in the UK where, funnily enough, we are all paying customers but you wouldn’t know it if you tried to ring for an appointment here.  There’s a ‘system’, I’ve discovered, and it goes something like this:

If you’re pregnant, have small children in need of injections, elderly or just a female with unresolvable issues, please press 1.

If you’re male or anything resembling one and are not sure whether this is an emergency, please press 2 and hold for a very long time or preferably,  don’t bother us.  Tch tch!  Can’t you see we’re very busy?  Really!

I once foolishly decided after a heavy cold, being the inconvenient man I am,  to seek advice for an alarmingly noticeable drop in hearing. To my mind this seemed not entirely unreasonable given that freelance piano tuning is how I get to eat.  Getting past the receptionist is an ordeal in itself.

“Is it urgent?”

Hmm, self-diagnosis time … is my being able to provide for my family important? Hmm… no, I suppose not now you mention it.  If I rang with pains in the chest I’d get the same same question.  Weeks later a brief examination revealed ‘nothing wrong’ in spite of the fact I was very aware that all was not normal.

Could I get an appointment with a specialist?

Good God man, I’ve looked into your ears, what more d’you want? Alright then, go and see this lady.

‘This lady’ gives me a hearing test, tells me my herring is ‘down’ and tries to sell me a herring aid with the line that ‘no buggy likes admitting they have a herring problem’.

I HAD A HEAVY COLD! I’M JUST BLOCKED UP!  (I’ve had time to make my own diagnosis by this stage in the game)

And you’re sure you’re not pregnant? That sometimes messes up your faculties. Your name is Hilary after all…

Ah! It is, isn’t it. I may use that in future.


Listen up.

March 7, 2011 Leave a comment

People accuse me of being manipulative

but on no account must you listen to THEM.

Take me to your loser

November 9, 2008 Leave a comment

Noticed this strange pattern while looking at satellite pics of fields near me today (it’s that or listening to paint dry here). Could it be crap circles?


Spirit of Mrs Richards

September 15, 2008 1 comment

Anyone thinking of a hotel break may want to BEWARE OTHER GUESTS!  Here is a selection of some customer reviews found on None of them mine I hasten to add but who needs to attempt comedy writing when you have the moaning British public, God bless ’em.

Chipped and hairy toilet seat in room – vvbad.

corridors were far too hot.

could have been told were things were in the hotel . had to look and get lost, moore comunication needed

Hotel was having lift built which put TV room out of use & reception upside down.

It is not exactly a complaint but the hot water was extemely hot,it was scalding.Great for adults but for the elderly or children it could be dangerous.It nearly burnt me and I was in Catering all my life so I am used to handling hot plates etc!!!.\

Very dissapointed with the room which was pokey, airless, hot and at the
back of the hotel, event though it was top price. The baathroom had a
floor that was collapsing, and the seagulls woke us at 4:30am since we
couldn’t sleep without the window wide open. The dinner was poor and
relatively expensive.

the lift wasn’t working but staff did not inform me of this and i had to find out myself. i could have been stuck in the lift.

Full length mirror opposite Toilet in shower room, slightly disconcerting!

The town seems to be full of disaffected youth who like to mock tourists, especially as the sun goes down.

ants as stated

Oxy what?

August 22, 2008 Leave a comment

The number of erudite chavs using oxymorons is almost exactly the same as last year but the figure is distinctly blurred.

Your Home May Be At Risk!

July 11, 2008 Leave a comment

Ladies and Gentlemen

We are proud, nay, itching to present

Your Home May Be At Risk – a new 5 minute comedy podcast

Any and all feedback greatly appreciated – Thank you