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A Brief History Of Danger

March 2, 2014 Leave a comment

It is fair to assume that Danger began with something called The Big Bang. It is not known exactly how dangerous The Big Bang was as there were no people around then so we can say that, in scientific terms, it probably wasn’t very dangerous at all. In fact, given the entirety of space and time which The Big Bang allegedly started, it would perhaps be more accurately called The Small Pop.

Since The Big Bang however, there have been several dangerous and even life-threatening events. I once got bitten on the back of my leg by a dog and ever since then, dogs that try that again are in serious danger. That aside, volcanoes, wars, lions and choking hazards have all assigned themselves a place in Danger’s catalogue.

It is important to understand that this article will not simply be a definitive list of dangerous things. No, for that would make an even more dull entry, albeit exciting at first had I begun with say, bungee jumping into a shark infested pond of nitroglycerine. For this article to be of interest to the amateur enthusiast or novice, I shall make scientific observations and include anecdotes once I have put a plaster over this paper cut.

There are two basic types of danger arising from The Big Bang. The first is Big and should not be attempted in unsupervised surroundings. The second is, as the name suggests, Banging. Banging danger is anything from a nuclear explosion down to being on hand to witness yourself in the reflection of a shop window, bumping into a parking meter and apologising to it. Well it does happen as I have scientifically proved.

There is also a third category not really worth mentioning at all. This is called Perceived Danger. This includes pixies, elves and other trip hazards or those health and safety issues that have never arisen and frankly you’d have to be bonkers to imagine were ever likely to.

So let us begin with The Big Bang. How did this come about and why?

To be conti… hang on, just got to take a call…

“… What? Who Hawking? Pardon? What copyright? No, I don’t think I’m interested thanks. Where did you get my number anyway? Apart from the phone book I mean…Hello?”

Sorry about that.

Audio Sketches

February 25, 2014 Leave a comment

In case anyone is looking for some audio silliness I just uploaded a few things on audioboo.

Here is a sample of a few things you may have missed over the years.

I can never resist having a go at an accent or character. I think it stems from having parents who hammered out any trace of our Suffolk surroundings from an early age.

The thing is when I was with the siblings and our old Ma was dying in hospital, pumped up with morphine, she said , ‘Oh, it’s so lovely, I can hear all your Suffolk accents coming out.’

I know she were dying and all that, but I really coulda lumped ‘er one!

In terra eruptions

October 22, 2013 Leave a comment

Well, here we are again. The hot news being I have read a book. A fat one. In a week. I enjoyed it too, for once not constantly thinking I ought to be doing something useful like starting a website demanding compensation for widowed industrial cats.  No, that really is a cause I was more than happy to forget as I leafed through Pompeii by Robert Harris, all the time tweeting I suspected something cataclysmic coming.

Concentration on books (spit) is obviously quite a problem for me.  Well, getting to a book in the first place is but I do pride myself on being the boy who, at school, was constantly berated for daydreaming out of the window, whose job now involves being paid to sit and stare out of people’s windows.  Anyway, where was I?  Yes. Page 304 reads, ‘ …far away – but very distinctly, unlike anything he, or anyone else, had ever heard – came the sound of a double boom’.  What, thinketh I? What was Basil Brush* doing at Pompeii?

Concentration see.  I do it all the time at work so why should I at home?

*If you don’t know who Basil Brush is/was, I pity your life but suggest you get to YouTube now.

Yak wanted

May 6, 2013 Leave a comment

As you can probably tell from this less-than-quarterly entry, I’ve been proper busy. I am not a writer. A writer’s writer I mean. I took a solemn vow as an impressionable teenager to NEVER get involved with anything creative. It’s just, well… dangerous.

This may have had something to do with my dad (who was very much a writer’s writer) having a writer’s tantrum and throwing a box full of copies of his latest book from an upstairs window, narrowly missing my daydreams below.

Now that I have finally caved in and become him, or rather a less well read, less connected, less successful ( in writing terms) version of him, it occurs to me that I really ought to have a box of books in my arsenal ready to throw out of a window.

This would, inevitably, be wonderful therapy for the sheer frustration encountered when trying to find someone to print me a simple, inexpensive, black and white, thirty pages poetry booklet. I’ve done the e-book. Easy. I just want to gently hand a few hard copies to hapless friends without killing them.

In this wonderfully technological age, it should, I foolishly assume, be a simple matter of searching, clicking and ordering online. Never before has there been such an array of technological wizardry available.

I tell you, to get this PERFECTLY SIMPLE job done, it would be easier to go into my shed yesterday, reconstruct from memory I do not possess, an exact copy of the original Gutenberg press, from half set Galician yak fudge.

Books though. Pah!

Changing Tune

November 27, 2012 Leave a comment

Occasionally (today) I get a running order for a show I have submitted material to and I am happy to report my get-rich-incredibly-slowly scheme is taking effect. I really want to spend what time I can spare on shows writing topical sketches but they are always calling for songs as a matter of priority so that’s what tends to get the bulk of my effort.

The thing is, as possibly Elton John and maybe Kiki Dee once sang, ‘I got the music in me’, having spent much of childhood sitting under a small grand piano watching my Dad’s feet operating the pedals and putting the brakes on poor old Beethoven.

If I force myself to recall, the only real form of entertainment, after weak teacher baiting during some dark school years, was changing the words to the hymns at mass from things like ‘Oh God, our help in ages past’ to ‘Oh God, Oh help, don’t make this last’. The problem was always how to avoid being caught sniggering by the slightly Nazi order of brethren who ran the place, but I now consider it was a pretty good grounding in the sweet (and I would argue, God-ordained, or we may as well all give up now) art of parody.

To me it seems a perfectly natural thing anyone can do but perhaps not. Can you hear alternative lyrics to well known songs? When G W Bush was in office I heard the Beach Boys singing Barbara Ann and thought, ‘That sounds a lot like ‘bomb Iran”. A quick scribble later and the thing almost wrote itself and was sold.

I suppose it is an advantage to have visited a theatre at least once in your life to get a feel of what is and what is not possible on a stage but do give it a go if only so that I can crack on with them there sketches.

Statement from the Beeb

November 14, 2012 Leave a comment

Latest from the BBC :

“At no time whatsoever was any child left unsupervised on the premises with a scary character”

Happy St G Day

April 23, 2012 Leave a comment

Happy St George’s day to EVERYBODY!

I think he was Turkish and worked in a kebab shop. Skewer employment it was anyway.

(Note to self: work on dragon-slaying jokes)


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