Archive for the ‘midgetgems’ Category

I’m keeping the day job

December 2, 2013 Leave a comment

This is the sort of festive twaddle you get if for some obscure reason you follow @suffolkpiano on twitter. I apologise in advance.

I went to that Scandinavian ice hotel last Christmas. Have to say it was a frosty reception.

Just been found guilty of posting an abusive Christmas tweet. It’s unlikely to be a long sentence though.

How can you tell if a polar bear has been drinking? He’s not arcticulating very well.

What’s the best way to nourish someone? It’s just Delia Smiths’s asking. Sounds like she’s had a few.

What’s more dangerous than people wearing paper hats next to candles? Drunk people wearing paper hats next to candles.

Who ate all the Christmas stockings? The goats of Christmas present.



March 6, 2011 Leave a comment

Join thousands of singles today!

Here’s some Bostik and a large pile of old 45’s

Take me to your loser

November 9, 2008 Leave a comment

Noticed this strange pattern while looking at satellite pics of fields near me today (it’s that or listening to paint dry here). Could it be crap circles?


Spirit of Mrs Richards

September 15, 2008 1 comment

Anyone thinking of a hotel break may want to BEWARE OTHER GUESTS!  Here is a selection of some customer reviews found on None of them mine I hasten to add but who needs to attempt comedy writing when you have the moaning British public, God bless ’em.

Chipped and hairy toilet seat in room – vvbad.

corridors were far too hot.

could have been told were things were in the hotel . had to look and get lost, moore comunication needed

Hotel was having lift built which put TV room out of use & reception upside down.

It is not exactly a complaint but the hot water was extemely hot,it was scalding.Great for adults but for the elderly or children it could be dangerous.It nearly burnt me and I was in Catering all my life so I am used to handling hot plates etc!!!.\

Very dissapointed with the room which was pokey, airless, hot and at the
back of the hotel, event though it was top price. The baathroom had a
floor that was collapsing, and the seagulls woke us at 4:30am since we
couldn’t sleep without the window wide open. The dinner was poor and
relatively expensive.

the lift wasn’t working but staff did not inform me of this and i had to find out myself. i could have been stuck in the lift.

Full length mirror opposite Toilet in shower room, slightly disconcerting!

The town seems to be full of disaffected youth who like to mock tourists, especially as the sun goes down.

ants as stated

Corporate slogans

September 8, 2008 8 comments

Corporate taglines have been feverishly downgrading their own loftiness in recent years I notice. The National Lottery began with a bold “IT COULD BE YOU” but realising the pathetic odds, reduced to “Maybe, just maybe” and then a rather hopeless ‘think lucky’.  I’m certain the next one will either be “Oh Per-lease!” or be all socially responsible and honest with “You gotta be green” and then after 2012 it will be “Spare a quid for a bankrupt company after the games Guv?”

(Coincidentally, as I write, I hear reports of a young boy seeing a sign in a crowded store reading “National Lottery-play here”.  He complained, “This is no good! There’s no room to play here!” so perhaps “LOTTERY -THIS IS NO GOOD!” would be ideal)

Asda always used to raise a smile when they had those rocks outside their stores declaring “Permanently low prices – forever!”  I see their temporary state of permanence has now been replaced with “ Always – happy to help”.  What next I wonder? “Occasionally stocking stuff you want” perhaps.

Any more?

Oxy what?

August 22, 2008 Leave a comment

The number of erudite chavs using oxymorons is almost exactly the same as last year but the figure is distinctly blurred.

Your Home May Be At Risk!

July 11, 2008 Leave a comment

Ladies and Gentlemen

We are proud, nay, itching to present

Your Home May Be At Risk – a new 5 minute comedy podcast

Any and all feedback greatly appreciated – Thank you