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A Brief History Of Danger

March 2, 2014 Leave a comment

It is fair to assume that Danger began with something called The Big Bang. It is not known exactly how dangerous The Big Bang was as there were no people around then so we can say that, in scientific terms, it probably wasn’t very dangerous at all. In fact, given the entirety of space and time which The Big Bang allegedly started, it would perhaps be more accurately called The Small Pop.

Since The Big Bang however, there have been several dangerous and even life-threatening events. I once got bitten on the back of my leg by a dog and ever since then, dogs that try that again are in serious danger. That aside, volcanoes, wars, lions and choking hazards have all assigned themselves a place in Danger’s catalogue.

It is important to understand that this article will not simply be a definitive list of dangerous things. No, for that would make an even more dull entry, albeit exciting at first had I begun with say, bungee jumping into a shark infested pond of nitroglycerine. For this article to be of interest to the amateur enthusiast or novice, I shall make scientific observations and include anecdotes once I have put a plaster over this paper cut.

There are two basic types of danger arising from The Big Bang. The first is Big and should not be attempted in unsupervised surroundings. The second is, as the name suggests, Banging. Banging danger is anything from a nuclear explosion down to being on hand to witness yourself in the reflection of a shop window, bumping into a parking meter and apologising to it. Well it does happen as I have scientifically proved.

There is also a third category not really worth mentioning at all. This is called Perceived Danger. This includes pixies, elves and other trip hazards or those health and safety issues that have never arisen and frankly you’d have to be bonkers to imagine were ever likely to.

So let us begin with The Big Bang. How did this come about and why?

To be conti… hang on, just got to take a call…

“… What? Who Hawking? Pardon? What copyright? No, I don’t think I’m interested thanks. Where did you get my number anyway? Apart from the phone book I mean…Hello?”

Sorry about that.

Audio Sketches

February 25, 2014 Leave a comment

In case anyone is looking for some audio silliness I just uploaded a few things on audioboo.

Here is a sample of a few things you may have missed over the years.

I can never resist having a go at an accent or character. I think it stems from having parents who hammered out any trace of our Suffolk surroundings from an early age.

The thing is when I was with the siblings and our old Ma was dying in hospital, pumped up with morphine, she said , ‘Oh, it’s so lovely, I can hear all your Suffolk accents coming out.’

I know she were dying and all that, but I really coulda lumped ‘er one!

Surprise!

November 21, 2013 Leave a comment

I surprise myself sometimes. This afternoon I plan to buy a box of chocolates and leave them where I’m bound to find them.

Carrots

November 21, 2013 Leave a comment

Do you mind? I mean, DO YOU MIND? I’ve been trying to give up writing for years. Well, trying to give up trying; getting back to where I started, writing solely for my own pleasure. Now this happens!

Somehow, somewhere down the line the whole ‘own pleasure’ thing got encouraged, dagnabit, by certain persons who should have acted more responsibly and not mentioned anything about ability and putting oneself forward etc. That went and led to some kind of bizarre merry-go-round of comps and opportunities, the inevitable rejections, stupidly late nights and all those excruciating writery things I promised myself a long time ago I’d have nothing to do with.

So lately, having realised I’m just a another dullard with nothing much to say, every time I promise myself I’ll get back to my former, HAPPY existence, the carrot gets dangled yet again. And today, not one, but two items have been short listed for consideration. Will you STOP doing that? My poor little ol’ heart can’t take it.

Actually though, now I think about it, the pieces that will fall at the last hurdle have been selected, are pieces with themes I chose and thus enjoyed writing.

Well now, it’s only taken what, ten years for that penny to drop? Like I said. Dullard.

PS. Did you know that the Welsh for ‘carrot’ happens to be ‘moron’?

In terra eruptions

October 22, 2013 Leave a comment

Well, here we are again. The hot news being I have read a book. A fat one. In a week. I enjoyed it too, for once not constantly thinking I ought to be doing something useful like starting a website demanding compensation for widowed industrial cats.  No, that really is a cause I was more than happy to forget as I leafed through Pompeii by Robert Harris, all the time tweeting I suspected something cataclysmic coming.

Concentration on books (spit) is obviously quite a problem for me.  Well, getting to a book in the first place is but I do pride myself on being the boy who, at school, was constantly berated for daydreaming out of the window, whose job now involves being paid to sit and stare out of people’s windows.  Anyway, where was I?  Yes. Page 304 reads, ‘ …far away – but very distinctly, unlike anything he, or anyone else, had ever heard – came the sound of a double boom’.  What, thinketh I? What was Basil Brush* doing at Pompeii?

Concentration see.  I do it all the time at work so why should I at home?

*If you don’t know who Basil Brush is/was, I pity your life but suggest you get to YouTube now.

Statement from the Beeb

November 14, 2012 Leave a comment

Latest from the BBC :

“At no time whatsoever was any child left unsupervised on the premises with a scary character”

Allons Enfants

May 17, 2012 Leave a comment

I’m going on a road trip with a friend through France to collect student belongings  as said student flies home, which is just another of those things they neglected to mention at antenatal classes.  It will be a long journey made all the worse by having to stop at various points for wine and possibly some sleep.  Also pour moi, un peu du fromage. 

My friend is not fond of cheese or anything, as far as I can judge (which I won’t, much) not made of potato or beef so this is either going to make or break a long-standing (though mainly sitting) relationship.  We may be okay because we survived Africa together but then there were others around to stop us killing each other.  This trip is two men who’ve heard each other’s jokes, almost a week in a car and the inevitable road signs that should have pointed to the hotel but decided not to show up for duty today because we’re English. 

But hey,  we’ll have jazz, coffee, angry birds and tarte aux fraises so it’ll be fine, won’t it.  More on this story later…