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Archive for the ‘jokes’ Category

I’m keeping the day job

December 2, 2013 Leave a comment

This is the sort of festive twaddle you get if for some obscure reason you follow @suffolkpiano on twitter. I apologise in advance.

I went to that Scandinavian ice hotel last Christmas. Have to say it was a frosty reception.

Just been found guilty of posting an abusive Christmas tweet. It’s unlikely to be a long sentence though.

How can you tell if a polar bear has been drinking? He’s not arcticulating very well.

What’s the best way to nourish someone? It’s just Delia Smiths’s asking. Sounds like she’s had a few.

What’s more dangerous than people wearing paper hats next to candles? Drunk people wearing paper hats next to candles.

Who ate all the Christmas stockings? The goats of Christmas present.

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Surprise!

November 21, 2013 Leave a comment

I surprise myself sometimes. This afternoon I plan to buy a box of chocolates and leave them where I’m bound to find them.

In terra eruptions

October 22, 2013 Leave a comment

Well, here we are again. The hot news being I have read a book. A fat one. In a week. I enjoyed it too, for once not constantly thinking I ought to be doing something useful like starting a website demanding compensation for widowed industrial cats.  No, that really is a cause I was more than happy to forget as I leafed through Pompeii by Robert Harris, all the time tweeting I suspected something cataclysmic coming.

Concentration on books (spit) is obviously quite a problem for me.  Well, getting to a book in the first place is but I do pride myself on being the boy who, at school, was constantly berated for daydreaming out of the window, whose job now involves being paid to sit and stare out of people’s windows.  Anyway, where was I?  Yes. Page 304 reads, ‘ …far away – but very distinctly, unlike anything he, or anyone else, had ever heard – came the sound of a double boom’.  What, thinketh I? What was Basil Brush* doing at Pompeii?

Concentration see.  I do it all the time at work so why should I at home?

*If you don’t know who Basil Brush is/was, I pity your life but suggest you get to YouTube now.

Changing Tune

November 27, 2012 Leave a comment

Occasionally (today) I get a running order for a show I have submitted material to and I am happy to report my get-rich-incredibly-slowly scheme is taking effect. I really want to spend what time I can spare on shows writing topical sketches but they are always calling for songs as a matter of priority so that’s what tends to get the bulk of my effort.

The thing is, as possibly Elton John and maybe Kiki Dee once sang, ‘I got the music in me’, having spent much of childhood sitting under a small grand piano watching my Dad’s feet operating the pedals and putting the brakes on poor old Beethoven.

If I force myself to recall, the only real form of entertainment, after weak teacher baiting during some dark school years, was changing the words to the hymns at mass from things like ‘Oh God, our help in ages past’ to ‘Oh God, Oh help, don’t make this last’. The problem was always how to avoid being caught sniggering by the slightly Nazi order of brethren who ran the place, but I now consider it was a pretty good grounding in the sweet (and I would argue, God-ordained, or we may as well all give up now) art of parody.

To me it seems a perfectly natural thing anyone can do but perhaps not. Can you hear alternative lyrics to well known songs? When G W Bush was in office I heard the Beach Boys singing Barbara Ann and thought, ‘That sounds a lot like ‘bomb Iran”. A quick scribble later and the thing almost wrote itself and was sold.

I suppose it is an advantage to have visited a theatre at least once in your life to get a feel of what is and what is not possible on a stage but do give it a go if only so that I can crack on with them there sketches.

Statement from the Beeb

November 14, 2012 Leave a comment

Latest from the BBC :

“At no time whatsoever was any child left unsupervised on the premises with a scary character”

You have

March 9, 2012 Leave a comment
You have
___⓴ inane messages 
and 
___❶
worthwhile distractions


Gotcha!

February 27, 2012 1 comment