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A Brief History Of Danger

It is fair to assume that Danger began with something called The Big Bang. It is not known exactly how dangerous The Big Bang was as there were no people around then so we can say that, in scientific terms, it probably wasn’t very dangerous at all. In fact, given the entirety of space and time which The Big Bang allegedly started, it would perhaps be more accurately called The Small Pop.

Since The Big Bang however, there have been several dangerous and even life-threatening events. I once got bitten on the back of my leg by a dog and ever since then, dogs that try that again are in serious danger. That aside, volcanoes, wars, lions and choking hazards have all assigned themselves a place in Danger’s catalogue.

It is important to understand that this article will not simply be a definitive list of dangerous things. No, for that would make an even more dull entry, albeit exciting at first had I begun with say, bungee jumping into a shark infested pond of nitroglycerine. For this article to be of interest to the amateur enthusiast or novice, I shall make scientific observations and include anecdotes once I have put a plaster over this paper cut.

There are two basic types of danger arising from The Big Bang. The first is Big and should not be attempted in unsupervised surroundings. The second is, as the name suggests, Banging. Banging danger is anything from a nuclear explosion down to being on hand to witness yourself in the reflection of a shop window, bumping into a parking meter and apologising to it. Well it does happen as I have scientifically proved.

There is also a third category not really worth mentioning at all. This is called Perceived Danger. This includes pixies, elves and other trip hazards or those health and safety issues that have never arisen and frankly you’d have to be bonkers to imagine were ever likely to.

So let us begin with The Big Bang. How did this come about and why?

To be conti… hang on, just got to take a call…

“… What? Who Hawking? Pardon? What copyright? No, I don’t think I’m interested thanks. Where did you get my number anyway? Apart from the phone book I mean…Hello?”

Sorry about that.

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