Midgetgems Comedy

A pod of dolphins specially trained by Al-Queda to swim up the river Thames failed in their attempts to explode outside the houses of parliament thanks to covert operations by MI6.

The plot involved at least seventy vulnerable dolphins who were approached by ‘dolphin-friendly fishermen’ off the coast of Algeria. Intelligence sources say that they were selected for their smiley faces, taken to Pakistan to be indoctrinated or eaten and then fitted with satellite navigation systems to guide them up the Thames for beaching. They would then lie in the sun for several days and eventually explode.

“We intercepted a number of fishy-looking mammals as they came through the Gibraltar straits and fitted them with bogus satnav systems similar to the type used by the Iranian navy in the Straits of Hormuz.” said Daphne Twonk (not his real name), spokesman for an un-named source. “We thought with any luck we could send them up the wrong creek, protect London and save Cornwall’s eight jobs at the same time”.

This latest tactic demonstrates how operations in Iraq are squeezing Al-Queda who are having to come up with increasingly fish-inspired plans. Ms Twonk went on, ” In Iraq, the sun has to shine all the time, for the terrorist it only has to shine in the UK for several days in a row - which is also why it would never have worked”.

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A recent poll conducted among healthcare professionals suggests that the Triassic period may well have provided the most beneficial living conditions known to man. The random survey conducted by Dr. Claude Bleu, a depression expert at the Adelaide Dream Research Institute, found that that living conditions at the time would have been infinitely preferable to today’s “rat-infested, stinking and downright pointless existence” with a preponderance of forest, bountiful lakes and plenty of freshly made petrol and coal. Additional benefits such as tectonic plates not yet having been formed allowed greater ease of travel from one place to another with “no congestion whatsoever on major routes”.

The Jurassic period was rubbish

Given the choice of Jurassic, Triassic or Today, most healthcare workers opted for the Triassic although some 30% declined to participate in the study. Dr Bleu hopes to have his book, ‘I reckon stuff was like way better before’ published in time for a UK tour.

Thanks to The Spoof for pic

The last picture was stunning though NASA had forgotten that water on Mars meant the likelihood of an incoming tide.

Three cheers and a ‘Spirit Of Basil Fawlty Award’ for Ian Taylor, the man who cut his car in half!

And thank the Lord for petty bureaucrats registering zero on the laughter scale! They are a gift of inspiration for us writers. If we didn’t have people whose sole purpose in ‘life’ is clamping down on anything quirky, there wouldn’t be anyone to laugh at!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/gloucestershire/7395452.stm

Climate change blamed for absolutely everything

Scientists now say that climate change is responsible for much more human activity than was previously thought with at least 30% of the earth’s population removing items of clothing as temperatures rise.

In a recent survey it was discovered a worrying number of people leave windows and doors open and even venture outside during warm spells. Alarmingly, 83% of people still fail to wear a vest in areas where temperatures fell.

‘I am particularly worried about the unsustainable number of buildings constructed only of sand on vulnerable areas close to the sea’ said Ron Scared, manager of a small flag printing works in Bolton.

The Environment Agency is expected to issue a statement from the Secretary of State stating it’s really nice not to blame humans for everything and let’s not forget about volcanoes.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/7370151.stm

A Swiss amateur parachutist?! Now why does that remind me of the old ‘If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving isn’t for you’ joke? “Sorry, I’m afraid Kurt cannot zecuckooclockgewindlich until we again untangle him from ze ski lift” Who’s going to try out the replica of Da Vinci’s helicopter then? Prince William?