Midgetgems Comedy

TV- ‘This is a match Liverpool can definitely win, if they can just score enough goals’

SHOP- ‘You do realise we can’t change underwear’

STREET- ‘You got 4 C’s? Smart-arse!’

Quite liked this story

http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s3i37347

The idea of Ahmadinejad and whoever runs Israel these days sitting round a camp fire singing happy songs together needs to be at least tried, surely.

It conjures up a Gary Larsonesque picture of Mid-East leaders, mouths bulging with cowboy dampers, trying to sing along and do actions to “Father Abraham had many sons, many sons had Father Abraham …” before sneaking off to the river banks for a ciggy as the crickets crick and Obama snoozes after a few scout leader Special Brews. Ah yes, I can picture it all now even though I was never in the scouts. Boys together.

Or was that Camp David ?

The Women’s Institute are considering whether or not to take legal action after one of their members, Fiona McMac, was approached by lawyers for The Internet & IT Generally demanding she hand over her nickname of Wi-Fi.

“The first I knew about it was when I got a comment on my web site asking if I would pose nude for their calendar. I really had no idea there was such thing as an internet, let alone technology” said Mrs McMac’s husband Donald. “We don’t normally get much in the way of corporate wrangling in the village so it caused quite a stir down at the Fuschia Club AGM. Personally I’ve got no opinion really”.

Mrs McMac stands to lose anything up to 30 trillion US dollars, money she claims she would never be able to get hold of despite living in a rural idyll. “What chance would I have?” she asks, “They closed the Post Office months ago”.

Internet & IT Generally lawyer Bill Ver.2.0 said, “When she is forced to hand over her nickname it will represent a victory for the hard-pressed multinational conglomerates who have a history of being disadvantaged by so-called ‘little people’ having the monopoly on common sense and all the other stuff we’ll be going after”.

Wi-Fi says she worries about the fuschia

(more…)

A pod of dolphins specially trained by Al-Queda to swim up the river Thames failed in their attempts to explode outside the houses of parliament thanks to covert operations by MI6.

The plot involved at least seventy vulnerable dolphins who were approached by ‘dolphin-friendly fishermen’ off the coast of Algeria. Intelligence sources say that they were selected for their smiley faces, taken to Pakistan to be indoctrinated or eaten and then fitted with satellite navigation systems to guide them up the Thames for beaching. They would then lie in the sun for several days and eventually explode.

“We intercepted a number of fishy-looking mammals as they came through the Gibraltar straits and fitted them with bogus satnav systems similar to the type used by the Iranian navy in the Straits of Hormuz.” said Daphne Twonk (not his real name), spokesman for an un-named source. “We thought with any luck we could send them up the wrong creek, protect London and save Cornwall’s eight jobs at the same time”.

This latest tactic demonstrates how operations in Iraq are squeezing Al-Queda who are having to come up with increasingly fish-inspired plans. Ms Twonk went on, ” In Iraq, the sun has to shine all the time, for the terrorist it only has to shine in the UK for several days in a row - which is also why it would never have worked”.

(more…)

• Pliers -Australian cricket team
• Criticize -the eyes of a critter
• Nourish - Delia Smith’s guide to wine
• Haute cuisine - horsefeed
• Eliminate - offer of a drink on a hot day in Asia
  
• Succumb - what you do when you slice off the top of your thumb
• Nigh - the present in Northern Ireland
• Undeterred - diarrhoea (sorry - couldn’t resist)
  

Publink Transport regret to announce the untimely passing of railway inspector ‘Blind’ Jim Sandwich who was unfortunately hit by the 12.40 express to Kings Cross.  Accident investigators say he was extremely well trained.

Listening to a programme about astronomy I was fascinated by all the talk of dark energy and quarks etc. Especially interesting was that scientists can tell how far back towards the ‘big bang’ they are looking by measuring the intensity of red light. The further back in time they peer, the redder the light. Does this prove that mere nostalgia for yesteryear is rose tinted or just that they are using rose tinted telescopes? … Or perhaps that prostitution really is the oldest profession in the world?

Smile then Will!

So I went to the doctor and I says, ” Doctor, I keep thinking I’m William Shakespeare “

He said, “You’re Bard!”

I said, “No, you don’t understand , that’s the old pub landlord joke. I’m in the doctor’s and I think I’m William Shakespeare”

He said, “Really? You’re really the Bard? “

I said, “Really”

He said ” So this is a really, really, really bard joke then”

Hi

Okay, suffice to say my parents didn’t call me Midgetgems but I was eating them when I had to choose a username (not eating my parents, that would be very silly and wrong, they were dead anyway … moving on then …) I started writing comedy in 2004 and well, it stuck. New to here so bear with me and we’ll get the funny stuff up soon.

Meanwhile, do please have a listen to some of me podcasties and let me know what you think.