Midgetgems Comedy

The winner of last month’s comedy soup competition was none other than Rod Emu of Hull who sent in this delicious summer recipe best served cold.

Ingrediente:
12 barrels finest yak dripping
A pinch of milled grist
152 lbs “Dawkins Reserve” curry powder
Tar
Methode:
Ritually tar the vassals and get them to wash a suitable vessel. Heat 11 barrels of dripping, gently stirring the Dawkins as you wonder about croutons, yaks and that 12th barrel. Bring to boil and add pinch of grist to taste. Serve with abandon.

Well done Rod, we’ll be sending you some counterfeit M&S wine vouchers and a pair of complimentary tickets for the Obesity Rollers re-union concert

Next month’s super comp is ‘Poke a celeb’ - Keep an eye out for that one!

TV- ‘This is a match Liverpool can definitely win, if they can just score enough goals’

SHOP- ‘You do realise we can’t change underwear’

STREET- ‘You got 4 C’s? Smart-arse!’

Quite liked this story

http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s3i37347

The idea of Ahmadinejad and whoever runs Israel these days sitting round a camp fire singing happy songs together needs to be at least tried, surely.

It conjures up a Gary Larsonesque picture of Mid-East leaders, mouths bulging with cowboy dampers, trying to sing along and do actions to “Father Abraham had many sons, many sons had Father Abraham …” before sneaking off to the river banks for a ciggy as the crickets crick and Obama snoozes after a few scout leader Special Brews. Ah yes, I can picture it all now even though I was never in the scouts. Boys together.

Or was that Camp David ?

This has been around a while but seems funnier now!

• Pliers -Australian cricket team
• Criticize -the eyes of a critter
• Nourish - Delia Smith’s guide to wine
• Haute cuisine - horsefeed
• Eliminate - offer of a drink on a hot day in Asia
  
• Succumb - what you do when you slice off the top of your thumb
• Nigh - the present in Northern Ireland
• Undeterred - diarrhoea (sorry - couldn’t resist)
  

Publink Transport regret to announce the untimely passing of railway inspector ‘Blind’ Jim Sandwich who was unfortunately hit by the 12.40 express to Kings Cross.  Accident investigators say he was extremely well trained.

Mars Lander’s robotic arm has uncovered yet more evidence that the Victorians successfully established a camp on the red planet. NASA had earlier hinted that magnified images from the Mars Orbiter appeared to show the letters ‘ADE IN BIRMINGHA’ which when enhanced by computer spelled ‘Fade in Birminghat’.

Now fragments of a diary by the Rev’d Jeremiah Ormorod have been painstakingly pieced together by controllers and reveal he arrived “in a contraption of such monstrous industriousness [and] illustrious pomposity the [like of which has ne'er] been seen”. He goes on to describe a “hearty breakfast of roasted partridge, quince tart and hams the like [of which the] good Mrs Cloggins serves with[out] compunction”.

Research has shown that London’s Fortnum & Mason did supply an unusually large number of hampers for an ‘undisclosed mission’ to a Mrs Cloggins at The Rectory, Wrangleby, Lincs, England in 1882.

Scientists are currently studying archive material and watching ‘Journey To The Centre Of The Earth’ in order to ascertain how the Rev’d Ormorod might have died although the most likely cause is thought to have been melodrama.

Anything red belonged to Britain

(pic. courtesy of The Spoof.com )

Listening to a programme about astronomy I was fascinated by all the talk of dark energy and quarks etc. Especially interesting was that scientists can tell how far back towards the ‘big bang’ they are looking by measuring the intensity of red light. The further back in time they peer, the redder the light. Does this prove that mere nostalgia for yesteryear is rose tinted or just that they are using rose tinted telescopes? … Or perhaps that prostitution really is the oldest profession in the world?

This scrap of paper is one of my most prized possessions. I remember asking my Dad to get it for me on one of his outings to the BBC. Every time I look at it I find it ironic that I should be wished ‘Light, Peace, Happiness’, three things that seemed to evade the great man. I hope he has found them now. Not sure what the squiggly legend at the bottom says but my interpretation is ‘Peter Sellers - Legend’.

Three cheers and a ‘Spirit Of Basil Fawlty Award’ for Ian Taylor, the man who cut his car in half!

And thank the Lord for petty bureaucrats registering zero on the laughter scale! They are a gift of inspiration for us writers. If we didn’t have people whose sole purpose in ‘life’ is clamping down on anything quirky, there wouldn’t be anyone to laugh at!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/gloucestershire/7395452.stm

Climate change blamed for absolutely everything

Scientists now say that climate change is responsible for much more human activity than was previously thought with at least 30% of the earth’s population removing items of clothing as temperatures rise.

In a recent survey it was discovered a worrying number of people leave windows and doors open and even venture outside during warm spells. Alarmingly, 83% of people still fail to wear a vest in areas where temperatures fell.

‘I am particularly worried about the unsustainable number of buildings constructed only of sand on vulnerable areas close to the sea’ said Ron Scared, manager of a small flag printing works in Bolton.

The Environment Agency is expected to issue a statement from the Secretary of State stating it’s really nice not to blame humans for everything and let’s not forget about volcanoes.

Me: Well we’ll just have to come up with a genius plan for that then.

Charming offspring:  Wouldn’t we need a genius to do that?

There’s a banner slung over our local school railings. It proudly declares, ‘At Slimmers World, we’re full of surprises’. Permission to insert ‘chocolate fudge’ before the last word?