Whirred Nerd

Flagging

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 13:16:40 +0000

Just sent a semaphore message to another ship that we’re out of tinned meat but I got flagged for spam

Don’t ring us

Thu, 03 Nov 2011 17:02:21 +0000

Now this is another male/female thing so all you feminists who don’t like being told what to do and when to do it, look away now.

It’s just a note to doctors about us men really. I’m not talking about countries where you have to re- mortgage your granny so that you can have that breast implant (“just the one side please, old people are worth so much less these days”), where your doc has to be nice to you because you’re the paying customer. I’m talking about the good old, much maligned, National Health Service in the UK where, funnily enough, we are all paying customers but you wouldn’t know it if you tried to ring for an appointment here. There’s a ‘system’, I’ve discovered, and it goes something like this:

If you’re pregnant, have small children in need of injections, elderly or just a female with unresolvable issues, please press 1.

If you’re male or anything resembling one and are not sure whether this is an emergency, please press 2 and hold for a very long time or preferably, don’t bother us. Tch tch! Can’t you see we’re very busy? Really!

I once foolishly decided after a heavy cold, being the inconvenient man I am, to seek advice for an alarmingly noticeable drop in hearing. To my mind this seemed not entirely unreasonable given that freelance piano tuning is how I get to eat. Getting past the receptionist is an ordeal in itself.

“Is it urgent?”

Hmm, self-diagnosis time … is my being able to provide for my family important? Hmm… no, I suppose not now you mention it. If I rang with pains in the chest I’d get the same same question. Weeks later a brief examination revealed ‘nothing wrong’ in spite of the fact I was very aware that all was not normal.

Could I get an appointment with a specialist?

Good God man, I’ve looked into your ears, what more d’you want? Alright then, go and see this lady.

‘This lady’ gives me a hearing test, tells me my herring is ‘down’ and tries to sell me a herring aid with the line that ‘no buggy likes admitting they have a herring problem’.

I HAD A HEAVY COLD! I’M JUST BLOCKED UP! (I’ve had time to make my own diagnosis by this stage in the game)

And you’re sure you’re not pregnant? That sometimes messes up your faculties. Your name is Hilary after all…

Ah! It is, isn’t it. I may use that in future.

Lord Byron wuz ‘ere

Wed, 02 Nov 2011 17:00:58 +0000

Just sold a sketch to the Treason Show. Living in a small town where comedy is limited to people tripping over or the antics of the omnipresent duck population as they suicidally choose to lead a string of babies over pedestrian crossings regardless of the traffic light colour, this is no mean feat. Had I realised sooner that writing was something I’d get into, I’d have chosen a more cultured place with cosy pub snugs where like-minded jokesmiths drink beer under the guise of bouncing ideas off one another. It’s the kind of place where you could easily imagine seeing a blue plaque on a house reading “Lord Byron stopped here for a cup of tea October 27th 1803, thought about writing a poem and said, ‘nah, sod it, I’ll have some tiffin instead.’ ” So yeah, quite chuffed but still looking out for a ~~drinking~~ writing partner.

Christmas Angel charity single

Tue, 25 Oct 2011 22:22:50 +0000

Okay, I admit it, I like this song. Mainly because I wrote it but also because it’s probably going to be as annoying as Slade and Wizzard every year from now judging by the response so far, but it will be raising funds for clean water projects. So please buy it all ye post-modern closet cheese-lovers.

Only 79p to help stop some kid being raped when going to fetch water from the local stagnant pond? And in return I get an irritating-because-I’m-an-atheist-though-actually-damn-you-likeable song? Yep.

Thank you. Merry C…an’t say it yet.

Buy on iTunes

Buy on Amazon mp3

And we’re back

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 20:43:04 +0000

Okay, time to crank up the word thing again. I’ve been a busy boy writing this year’s no. 1 Christmas hit single, specially created to drive people insane. We’re recording it this coming Saturday and boy, I’ll be glad when it’s ‘in the can’!

There are so many stories attached to it. It started a few years back when I heard someone on radio say, “If you manage to write a Christmas hit single, you’re made for life” and I thought “Yeah, I can do that and I’ve no pension so why not?” Wrote the thing, liked it, teenage kids hated it … so it must be good! Others thought so too and the upshot is, we’re going to do it as a charity fundraiser.

I hadn’t appreciated though, that just writing a song is not enough. I’d assumed I’d play it to someone and they’d do all the rest. How wrong I was. Birthing involves parenting, I now realise.

” Does the solo need to be swung or straight?”

“At bar forty-eight, is that supposed to be an A flat?”

“I don’t know, maybe, I can’t notate music… I only made it up … it’s just what the computer printed off.. why is everyone asking me questions I can’t answer? Waaah!”

It’s a beautiful contrast to the world of writing that people want to run with what you put in front of them. It’ll be even more beautiful if it does raise some money for clean water in developing countries too. I can only think as far as getting a decent take done on Saturday but…

WATCH

THIS

SPACE

FOR “CHRISTMAS ANGEL”

Listen up.

Mon, 07 Mar 2011 18:00:32 +0000

People accuse me of being manipulative

but on no account must you listen to THEM.

Lonely?

Sun, 06 Mar 2011 18:20:30 +0000

Join thousands of singles today!

Here’s some Bostik and a large pile of old 45′s

1431 and all that

Mon, 05 Jul 2010 13:45:42 +0000

Here’s a little comp entry we did a while ago. The comp was, of course, won by a professional media-type TV producer but it’s not about the winning, it’s about spending your low /non budget in the pub instead and doing the best you can with what you have. Had.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8KqJTVSADE

Review

Sun, 04 Jul 2010 23:02:01 +0000

Has anyone told Clarkson?

Sat, 05 Jun 2010 23:11:05 +0000

Must admit, I hadn’t noticed this slightly surprising news in the headlines. If you’re taking the car through the tunnel though you might want to check the exact date. It would be a shame to waste money on a return ticket.