Midgetgems Comedy

George W Bush looks set to leave the world stage on an all-time high after talks with North Korea broke down with accusations that there was ‘way too much’ Shania Twain in the negotiations.

Communist military officials were overheard by US agents discussing the possibility of a dastardly plot to wrong foot Mr Bush over proposals that talks should be based on his ‘Country Plan’, a specially designed peace agenda that incorporates line dancing in case ‘folks start talking about serious stuff’.

A senior Bush aide complained, “They was protesting right there in the room, right when Shania sings ‘Man, I feels like a roman”. We heard ‘em talking about their ‘New Korea’ ambitions, ammunitions, what the heck. We jus’ gone have to plum nucularise ‘em now”.

North Korea’s blatant antipathy towards country star Shania Twain has long been a thorn in Mr Bush’s flesh. It was she who brought him comfort in the heady days after 9/11 and the New Orleans disaster with ‘I’m outta here’. In the run up to the Iraq war her mystic guidance in the words ‘That don’t impress me much’ is thought to have formed the basis of his relationship with Gordon Blair.

North Korea forms part of an island off the coast of Peru. Or is expected to soon.

Pic courtesy of thespoof

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Ladies and Gentlemen

We are proud, nay, itching to present

www.yhmbar.com

Your Home May Be At Risk - a new 5 minute comedy podcast

Any and all feedback greatly appreciated - Thank you

The winner of last month’s comedy soup competition was none other than Rod Emu of Hull who sent in this delicious summer recipe best served cold.

Ingrediente:
12 barrels finest yak dripping
A pinch of milled grist
152 lbs “Dawkins Reserve” curry powder
Tar
Methode:
Ritually tar the vassals and get them to wash a suitable vessel. Heat 11 barrels of dripping, gently stirring the Dawkins as you wonder about croutons, yaks and that 12th barrel. Bring to boil and add pinch of grist to taste. Serve with abandon.

Well done Rod, we’ll be sending you some counterfeit M&S wine vouchers and a pair of complimentary tickets for the Obesity Rollers re-union concert

Next month’s super comp is ‘Poke a celeb’ - Keep an eye out for that one!

TV- ‘This is a match Liverpool can definitely win, if they can just score enough goals’

SHOP- ‘You do realise we can’t change underwear’

STREET- ‘You got 4 C’s? Smart-arse!’

Just looking at over 7,000 anagrams for Robert Mugabe (as you do) . Some of the more interesting ones:

True barge mob

Brute mega rob

Brute mob rage

Gut me a robber

and

Great bum bore

A famous person just puts this icon on his blog and gets loads of comments.

Me? I’d prefer to give you something for bothering to click here

Here’s twenty pounds, keep the change.

££££££££££££££££££££

What if erring on the side of caution is the wrong thing to do?

Quite liked this story

http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s3i37347

The idea of Ahmadinejad and whoever runs Israel these days sitting round a camp fire singing happy songs together needs to be at least tried, surely.

It conjures up a Gary Larsonesque picture of Mid-East leaders, mouths bulging with cowboy dampers, trying to sing along and do actions to “Father Abraham had many sons, many sons had Father Abraham …” before sneaking off to the river banks for a ciggy as the crickets crick and Obama snoozes after a few scout leader Special Brews. Ah yes, I can picture it all now even though I was never in the scouts. Boys together.

Or was that Camp David ?

The Women’s Institute are considering whether or not to take legal action after one of their members, Fiona McMac, was approached by lawyers for The Internet & IT Generally demanding she hand over her nickname of Wi-Fi.

“The first I knew about it was when I got a comment on my web site asking if I would pose nude for their calendar. I really had no idea there was such thing as an internet, let alone technology” said Mrs McMac’s husband Donald. “We don’t normally get much in the way of corporate wrangling in the village so it caused quite a stir down at the Fuschia Club AGM. Personally I’ve got no opinion really”.

Mrs McMac stands to lose anything up to 30 trillion US dollars, money she claims she would never be able to get hold of despite living in a rural idyll. “What chance would I have?” she asks, “They closed the Post Office months ago”.

Internet & IT Generally lawyer Bill Ver.2.0 said, “When she is forced to hand over her nickname it will represent a victory for the hard-pressed multinational conglomerates who have a history of being disadvantaged by so-called ‘little people’ having the monopoly on common sense and all the other stuff we’ll be going after”.

Wi-Fi says she worries about the fuschia

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Feel as though you’ve got the world on your shoulders?

Might be a good idea just to check … just in case …

For sale:

Genuine replica of the original ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’

as made famous in the story.

Limited number available. Best offer accepted!

(Please note: this is not a scam -

but it is a JOKE and therefore NO money can be refunded especially as no money is likely to be forthcoming.)

Photo owned by eurok (cc)

Important details relating to Britain’s history have been stolen from up to 36 million UK households according to OffWatch, the government department responsible for oversight. This follows hard on the heels of the careless and embarrassing loss of an empire, something Mrs Thatcher failed to rectify in the early 1980’s.

Millions of Britons now face the difficult prospect of being unable to retrieve answers to such basic questions as, ‘When was the battle of Hastings?’ or ‘Huh?’ It is now thought that one in twenty people may not be able to name the fourth Prime Minister or even remember where they left the TV remote.

Most worryingly, 68% of UK residents with the surname Cooper are completely forgetting their forefathers were once responsible for making barrels. “Comparing this to 98.7% of Smiths being vaguely aware they are descended from apes, the loss to Britain’s self-esteem doesn’t bear thinking about” said defence minister, Kylie Minogue.

Thanks to thespoof.com for pic

A pod of dolphins specially trained by Al-Queda to swim up the river Thames failed in their attempts to explode outside the houses of parliament thanks to covert operations by MI6.

The plot involved at least seventy vulnerable dolphins who were approached by ‘dolphin-friendly fishermen’ off the coast of Algeria. Intelligence sources say that they were selected for their smiley faces, taken to Pakistan to be indoctrinated or eaten and then fitted with satellite navigation systems to guide them up the Thames for beaching. They would then lie in the sun for several days and eventually explode.

“We intercepted a number of fishy-looking mammals as they came through the Gibraltar straits and fitted them with bogus satnav systems similar to the type used by the Iranian navy in the Straits of Hormuz.” said Daphne Twonk (not his real name), spokesman for an un-named source. “We thought with any luck we could send them up the wrong creek, protect London and save Cornwall’s eight jobs at the same time”.

This latest tactic demonstrates how operations in Iraq are squeezing Al-Queda who are having to come up with increasingly fish-inspired plans. Ms Twonk went on, ” In Iraq, the sun has to shine all the time, for the terrorist it only has to shine in the UK for several days in a row - which is also why it would never have worked”.

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Publink Transport regret to announce the untimely passing of railway inspector ‘Blind’ Jim Sandwich who was unfortunately hit by the 12.40 express to Kings Cross.  Accident investigators say he was extremely well trained.

Mars Lander’s robotic arm has uncovered yet more evidence that the Victorians successfully established a camp on the red planet. NASA had earlier hinted that magnified images from the Mars Orbiter appeared to show the letters ‘ADE IN BIRMINGHA’ which when enhanced by computer spelled ‘Fade in Birminghat’.

Now fragments of a diary by the Rev’d Jeremiah Ormorod have been painstakingly pieced together by controllers and reveal he arrived “in a contraption of such monstrous industriousness [and] illustrious pomposity the [like of which has ne'er] been seen”. He goes on to describe a “hearty breakfast of roasted partridge, quince tart and hams the like [of which the] good Mrs Cloggins serves with[out] compunction”.

Research has shown that London’s Fortnum & Mason did supply an unusually large number of hampers for an ‘undisclosed mission’ to a Mrs Cloggins at The Rectory, Wrangleby, Lincs, England in 1882.

Scientists are currently studying archive material and watching ‘Journey To The Centre Of The Earth’ in order to ascertain how the Rev’d Ormorod might have died although the most likely cause is thought to have been melodrama.

Anything red belonged to Britain

(pic. courtesy of The Spoof.com )