Midgetgems Comedy

From the Lincolnshire Echo:
‘Festivities will start in the cathedral at 7.30 p.m. The bishop of Lincoln will be present to end the celebrations’

George W Bush looks set to leave the world stage on an all-time high after talks with North Korea broke down with accusations that there was ‘way too much’ Shania Twain in the negotiations.

Communist military officials were overheard by US agents discussing the possibility of a dastardly plot to wrong foot Mr Bush over proposals that talks should be based on his ‘Country Plan’, a specially designed peace agenda that incorporates line dancing in case ‘folks start talking about serious stuff’.

A senior Bush aide complained, “They was protesting right there in the room, right when Shania sings ‘Man, I feels like a roman”. We heard ‘em talking about their ‘New Korea’ ambitions, ammunitions, what the heck. We jus’ gone have to plum nucularise ‘em now”.

North Korea’s blatant antipathy towards country star Shania Twain has long been a thorn in Mr Bush’s flesh. It was she who brought him comfort in the heady days after 9/11 and the New Orleans disaster with ‘I’m outta here’. In the run up to the Iraq war her mystic guidance in the words ‘That don’t impress me much’ is thought to have formed the basis of his relationship with Gordon Blair.

North Korea forms part of an island off the coast of Peru. Or is expected to soon.

Pic courtesy of thespoof

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Ladies and Gentlemen

We are proud, nay, itching to present

www.yhmbar.com

Your Home May Be At Risk - a new 5 minute comedy podcast

Any and all feedback greatly appreciated - Thank you

The winner of last month’s comedy soup competition was none other than Rod Emu of Hull who sent in this delicious summer recipe best served cold.

Ingrediente:
12 barrels finest yak dripping
A pinch of milled grist
152 lbs “Dawkins Reserve” curry powder
Tar
Methode:
Ritually tar the vassals and get them to wash a suitable vessel. Heat 11 barrels of dripping, gently stirring the Dawkins as you wonder about croutons, yaks and that 12th barrel. Bring to boil and add pinch of grist to taste. Serve with abandon.

Well done Rod, we’ll be sending you some counterfeit M&S wine vouchers and a pair of complimentary tickets for the Obesity Rollers re-union concert

Next month’s super comp is ‘Poke a celeb’ - Keep an eye out for that one!

TV- ‘This is a match Liverpool can definitely win, if they can just score enough goals’

SHOP- ‘You do realise we can’t change underwear’

STREET- ‘You got 4 C’s? Smart-arse!’

‘This is a distinctly open-air and boisterous game; it is popular in Birmingham’

(From ‘The Joyous Book Of Singing Games’ by John Hornby)

Interesting fact of the day: Ring roads are so called thanks to Birmingham. In Victorian times, passers-through would often be besieged by mad inhabitants singing ‘Ring o’ Roses’ until a slightly deaf inventor was suddenly inspired to build the first one.

Just looking at over 7,000 anagrams for Robert Mugabe (as you do) . Some of the more interesting ones:

True barge mob

Brute mega rob

Brute mob rage

Gut me a robber

and

Great bum bore

What if erring on the side of caution is the wrong thing to do?

Quite liked this story

http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s3i37347

The idea of Ahmadinejad and whoever runs Israel these days sitting round a camp fire singing happy songs together needs to be at least tried, surely.

It conjures up a Gary Larsonesque picture of Mid-East leaders, mouths bulging with cowboy dampers, trying to sing along and do actions to “Father Abraham had many sons, many sons had Father Abraham …” before sneaking off to the river banks for a ciggy as the crickets crick and Obama snoozes after a few scout leader Special Brews. Ah yes, I can picture it all now even though I was never in the scouts. Boys together.

Or was that Camp David ?

In another existence as a student, this piece by CPE Bach (one of JS Bach’s many children) became the source of a competition to see who could finish fastest. I got ‘rumbled’ during practice by one of my tutors, a blind man who sauntered into the room to ask who it was by. I told him it was CPE to which he replied “Pah! Idiot”.

I was offended by this seeing as it was the one piece I’d managed to learn all the way through and asked why. His response was,  “If you’ve got twenty kids, one of them is bound to be an idiot”.

The Women’s Institute are considering whether or not to take legal action after one of their members, Fiona McMac, was approached by lawyers for The Internet & IT Generally demanding she hand over her nickname of Wi-Fi.

“The first I knew about it was when I got a comment on my web site asking if I would pose nude for their calendar. I really had no idea there was such thing as an internet, let alone technology” said Mrs McMac’s husband Donald. “We don’t normally get much in the way of corporate wrangling in the village so it caused quite a stir down at the Fuschia Club AGM. Personally I’ve got no opinion really”.

Mrs McMac stands to lose anything up to 30 trillion US dollars, money she claims she would never be able to get hold of despite living in a rural idyll. “What chance would I have?” she asks, “They closed the Post Office months ago”.

Internet & IT Generally lawyer Bill Ver.2.0 said, “When she is forced to hand over her nickname it will represent a victory for the hard-pressed multinational conglomerates who have a history of being disadvantaged by so-called ‘little people’ having the monopoly on common sense and all the other stuff we’ll be going after”.

Wi-Fi says she worries about the fuschia

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Feel as though you’ve got the world on your shoulders?

Might be a good idea just to check … just in case …

For sale:

Genuine replica of the original ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’

as made famous in the story.

Limited number available. Best offer accepted!

(Please note: this is not a scam -

but it is a JOKE and therefore NO money can be refunded especially as no money is likely to be forthcoming.)

Photo owned by eurok (cc)

Important details relating to Britain’s history have been stolen from up to 36 million UK households according to OffWatch, the government department responsible for oversight. This follows hard on the heels of the careless and embarrassing loss of an empire, something Mrs Thatcher failed to rectify in the early 1980’s.

Millions of Britons now face the difficult prospect of being unable to retrieve answers to such basic questions as, ‘When was the battle of Hastings?’ or ‘Huh?’ It is now thought that one in twenty people may not be able to name the fourth Prime Minister or even remember where they left the TV remote.

Most worryingly, 68% of UK residents with the surname Cooper are completely forgetting their forefathers were once responsible for making barrels. “Comparing this to 98.7% of Smiths being vaguely aware they are descended from apes, the loss to Britain’s self-esteem doesn’t bear thinking about” said defence minister, Kylie Minogue.

Thanks to thespoof.com for pic