Embargo brute!

Just looking at over 7,000 anagrams for Robert Mugabe (as you do) . Some of the more interesting ones:

True barge mob

Brute mega rob

Brute mob rage

Gut me a robber

and

Great bum bore

Nothing much

A famous person just puts this icon on his blog and gets loads of comments.

Me? I’d prefer to give you something for bothering to click here

Here’s twenty pounds, keep the change.

££££££££££££££££££££

Sys.err …

What if erring on the side of caution is the wrong thing to do?

An Obama Nation

Quite liked this story

http://www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s3i37347

The idea of Ahmadinejad and whoever runs Israel these days sitting round a camp fire singing happy songs together needs to be at least tried, surely.

It conjures up a Gary Larsonesque picture of Mid-East leaders, mouths bulging with cowboy dampers, trying to sing along and do actions to “Father Abraham had many sons, many sons had Father Abraham …” before sneaking off to the river banks for a ciggy as the crickets crick and Obama snoozes after a few scout leader Special Brews. Ah yes, I can picture it all now even though I was never in the scouts. Boys together.

Or was that Camp David ?

Idiot child

In another existence as a student, this piece by CPE Bach (one of JS Bach’s many children) became the source of a competition to see who could finish fastest. I got ‘rumbled’ during practice by one of my tutors, a blind man who sauntered into the room to ask who it was by. I told him it was CPE to which he replied “Pah! Idiot”.

I was offended by this seeing as it was the one piece I’d managed to learn all the way through and asked why. His response was,  “If you’ve got twenty kids, one of them is bound to be an idiot”.

That’s my Wi-Fi

The Women’s Institute are considering whether or not to take legal action after one of their members, Fiona McMac, was approached by lawyers for The Internet & IT Generally demanding she hand over her nickname of Wi-Fi.

“The first I knew about it was when I got a comment on my web site asking if I would pose nude for their calendar. I really had no idea there was such thing as an internet, let alone technology” said Mrs McMac’s husband Donald. “We don’t normally get much in the way of corporate wrangling in the village so it caused quite a stir down at the Fuschia Club AGM. Personally I’ve got no opinion really”.

Mrs McMac stands to lose anything up to 30 trillion US dollars, money she claims she would never be able to get hold of despite living in a rural idyll. “What chance would I have?” she asks, “They closed the Post Office months ago”.

Internet & IT Generally lawyer Bill Ver.2.0 said, “When she is forced to hand over her nickname it will represent a victory for the hard-pressed multinational conglomerates who have a history of being disadvantaged by so-called ‘little people’ having the monopoly on common sense and all the other stuff we’ll be going after”.

Wi-Fi says she worries about the fuschia

Heavy day?

Feel as though you’ve got the world on your shoulders?

Might be a good idea just to check … just in case …

Bargain!

For sale:

Genuine replica of the original ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’

as made famous in the story.

Limited number available. Best offer accepted!

(Please note: this is not a scam -

but it is a JOKE and therefore NO money can be refunded especially as no money is likely to be forthcoming.)

Photo owned by eurok (cc)

Britain Loses History

Important details relating to Britain’s history have been stolen from up to 36 million UK households according to OffWatch, the government department responsible for oversight. This follows hard on the heels of the careless and embarrassing loss of an empire, something Mrs Thatcher failed to rectify in the early 1980’s.

Young Britons attempt to remember where they were the night before.

Millions of Britons now face the difficult prospect of being unable to retrieve answers to such basic questions as, ‘When was the battle of Hastings?’ or ‘Huh?’ It is now thought that one in twenty people may not be able to name the fourth Prime Minister or even remember where they left the TV remote.

Most worryingly, 68% of UK residents with the surname Cooper are completely forgetting their forefathers were once responsible for making barrels. “Comparing this to 98.7% of Smiths being vaguely aware they are descended from apes, the loss to Britain’s self-esteem doesn’t bear thinking about” said defence minister, Kylie Minogue.

Thanks to thespoof.com for pic

No use crying …

This has been around a while but seems funnier now!

Terrorist Dolphins Thwarted

A pod of dolphins specially trained by Al-Queda to swim up the river Thames failed in their attempts to explode outside the houses of parliament thanks to covert operations by MI6.

The plot involved at least seventy vulnerable dolphins who were approached by ‘dolphin-friendly fishermen’ off the coast of Algeria. Intelligence sources say that they were selected for their smiley faces, taken to Pakistan to be indoctrinated or eaten and then fitted with satellite navigation systems to guide them up the Thames for beaching. They would then lie in the sun for several days and eventually explode.

“We intercepted a number of fishy-looking mammals as they came through the Gibraltar straits and fitted them with bogus satnav systems similar to the type used by the Iranian navy in the Straits of Hormuz.” said Daphne Twonk (not his real name), spokesman for an un-named source. “We thought with any luck we could send them up the wrong creek, protect London and save Cornwall’s eight jobs at the same time”.

This latest tactic demonstrates how operations in Iraq are squeezing Al-Queda who are having to come up with increasingly fish-inspired plans. Ms Twonk went on, ” In Iraq, the sun has to shine all the time, for the terrorist it only has to shine in the UK for several days in a row - which is also why it would never have worked”.

Alternative meanings

• Pliers -Australian cricket team
• Criticize -the eyes of a critter
• Nourish - Delia Smith’s guide to wine
• Haute cuisine - horsefeed
• Eliminate - offer of a drink on a hot day in Asia
  
• Succumb - what you do when you slice off the top of your thumb
• Nigh - the present in Northern Ireland
• Undeterred - diarrhoea (sorry - couldn’t resist)
  

Poor Jim

Publink Transport regret to announce the untimely passing of railway inspector ‘Blind’ Jim Sandwich who was unfortunately hit by the 12.40 express to Kings Cross.  Accident investigators say he was extremely well trained.

Victorians were on Mars

Mars Lander’s robotic arm has uncovered yet more evidence that the Victorians successfully established a camp on the red planet. NASA had earlier hinted that magnified images from the Mars Orbiter appeared to show the letters ‘ADE IN BIRMINGHA’ which when enhanced by computer spelled ‘Fade in Birminghat’.

Now fragments of a diary by the Rev’d Jeremiah Ormorod have been painstakingly pieced together by controllers and reveal he arrived “in a contraption of such monstrous industriousness [and] illustrious pomposity the [like of which has ne'er] been seen”. He goes on to describe a “hearty breakfast of roasted partridge, quince tart and hams the like [of which the] good Mrs Cloggins serves with[out] compunction”.

Research has shown that London’s Fortnum & Mason did supply an unusually large number of hampers for an ‘undisclosed mission’ to a Mrs Cloggins at The Rectory, Wrangleby, Lincs, England in 1882.

Scientists are currently studying archive material and watching ‘Journey To The Centre Of The Earth’ in order to ascertain how the Rev’d Ormorod might have died although the most likely cause is thought to have been melodrama.

Anything red belonged to Britain

(pic. courtesy of The Spoof.com )

Triassic was best

A recent poll conducted among healthcare professionals suggests that the Triassic period may well have provided the most beneficial living conditions known to man. The random survey conducted by Dr. Claude Bleu, a depression expert at the Adelaide Dream Research Institute, found that that living conditions at the time would have been infinitely preferable to today’s “rat-infested, stinking and downright pointless existence” with a preponderance of forest, bountiful lakes and plenty of freshly made petrol and coal. Additional benefits such as tectonic plates not yet having been formed allowed greater ease of travel from one place to another with “no congestion whatsoever on major routes”.

The Jurassic period was rubbish

Given the choice of Jurassic, Triassic or Today, most healthcare workers opted for the Triassic although some 30% declined to participate in the study. Dr Bleu hopes to have his book, ‘I reckon stuff was like way better before’ published in time for a UK tour.

Thanks to The Spoof for pic