I surprise myself sometimes. This afternoon I plan to buy a box of chocolates and leave them where I’m bound to find them.
It is fair to assume that Danger began with something called The Big Bang. It is not known exactly how dangerous The Big Bang was as there were no people around then so we can say that, in scientific terms, it probably wasn’t very dangerous at all. In fact, given the entirety of space and time which The Big Bang allegedly started, it would perhaps be more accurately called The Small Pop.
Since The Big Bang however, there have been several dangerous and even life-threatening events. I once got bitten on the back of my leg by a dog and ever since then, dogs that try that again are in serious danger. That aside, volcanoes, wars, lions and choking hazards have all assigned themselves a place in Danger’s catalogue.
It is important to understand that this article will not simply be a definitive list of dangerous things. No, for that would make an even more dull entry, albeit exciting at first had I begun with say, bungee jumping into a shark infested pond of nitroglycerine. For this article to be of interest to the amateur enthusiast or novice, I shall make scientific observations and include anecdotes once I have put a plaster over this paper cut.
There are two basic types of danger arising from The Big Bang. The first is Big and should not be attempted in unsupervised surroundings. The second is, as the name suggests, Banging. Banging danger is anything from a nuclear explosion down to being on hand to witness yourself in the reflection of a shop window, bumping into a parking meter and apologising to it. Well it does happen as I have scientifically proved.
There is also a third category not really worth mentioning at all. This is called Perceived Danger. This includes pixies, elves and other trip hazards or those health and safety issues that have never arisen and frankly you’d have to be bonkers to imagine were ever likely to.
So let us begin with The Big Bang. How did this come about and why?
To be conti… hang on, just got to take a call…
“… What? Who Hawkins? Pardon? What copyright? No, I don’t think I’m interested thanks. Where did you get my number anyway? Apart from the phone book I mean…Hello?”
Sorry about that.
In case anyone is looking for some audio silliness I just uploaded a few things on audioboo.
Here is a sample of a few things you may have missed over the years.
I can never resist having a go at an accent or character. I think it stems from having parents who hammered out any trace of our Suffolk surroundings from an early age.
The thing is when I was with the siblings and our old Ma was dying in hospital, pumped up with morphine, she said , ‘Oh, it’s so lovely, I can hear all your Suffolk accents coming out.’
I know she were dying and all that, but I really coulda lumped ‘er one!
After a previous post mentioning two pieces had made it to a short list (of 20) I am delighted to report that one of them made it all the way and should, I think, be produced in the spring.
If you’re on Twitter it’s these guys
It’s just a few pages of foolery, almost an afterthought submission, but that’s often how it goes. All those old school reports saying ‘must try harder’ then… time that mentality was ditched!
Quick update dear neglected blog types.
I’ve had a couple of mini plays short listed for a thing in the spring and some bits and bobs used in the shows I submit to so that’s all good.
My new year’s resolution, the first time I’ve ever made one, was to finish off the pantomime I’ve been writing and that was all going well until… Well, this book I’m currently 5000 words into starts demanding to be written.
I know! Shock, horror! All I did was read a couple of books (shock, horror again) and it seems to have uncorked a flow I have no intention of stopping. I’m tempted to post a bit here but for the trolls. I’ve absolutely no idea where it’s all going or whether it will have any ‘merit’ once done but simply don’t care. It’s just great to discover a) there was anything beyond my usual few page scripts and b) oh delicious b) the unknown.
It was quite amusing to see this message pop up on the Werdsmith app though. I foolishly assumed writing apps were supposed to encourage writers!
This is the sort of festive twaddle you get if for some obscure reason you follow @suffolkpiano on twitter. I apologise in advance.
I went to that Scandinavian ice hotel last Christmas. Have to say it was a frosty reception.
Just been found guilty of posting an abusive Christmas tweet. It’s unlikely to be a long sentence though.
How can you tell if a polar bear has been drinking? He’s not arcticulating very well.
What’s the best way to nourish someone? It’s just Delia Smiths’s asking. Sounds like she’s had a few.
What’s more dangerous than people wearing paper hats next to candles? Drunk people wearing paper hats next to candles.
Who ate all the Christmas stockings? The goats of Christmas present.